So, depression is weird...

I AM NOT A DOCTOR.

If you are depressed, get HELP! Omigoodness, get help.  From a professional. 

One of the most wonderful things I have read in a long time was Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half's post about depression.  Never has someone described accurately how strange it is to be entirely out of sync with the world. I thought i'd also write about my experience since back when I was really sad, there was no real help.  Allie writes about how it's like trying to tell people your fish are dead, and they just keep trying to help you look for them.  People don't get it, and the people who get out of this funk usually don't either want to reflect on it, or don't know how to describe it.

When you're depressed, it's hard to recognize it.  You don't feel sad. You don't really think you need help because why bother? Getting up is the hardest thing in the world. You lie there in bed, and it's not like when you're bullied and you're afraid to go, you just don't care.  Being depressed is like watching tv, and being expected to join in.  The characters look at you and wait for you to say your lines, and no one is there on the couch with you. You're left thinking how stupid it is to talk to these people because the program will end, and no one is really there.  It never occurred to me that wanting for life to just stop was a sign of depression. You don't feel that it's suicidal, the same way you don't think it's terrible to wish for a really bad play to end.  It's just, nothing. 

Coming out of a depression is even weirder. It's like finally existing again. The weirdest thing is you don't remember most of the stuff that happened while you were depressed. You didn't even care enough to remember things. So when you go back and think about what happened, you draw a blank. You've been this little paper figure for a while, and now suddenly you're 3D.   How do you explain to someone fully connected with the world that you're unplugged? In the book "Flatland" it's impossible for the 2D shapes to comprehend being 3D, and it's like that.  How do you describe to someone a feeling, or lack thereof, foreign to you as well.  You can't.  It's just... Read the post on Hyperbole and a Half.

Anyway.  My mom asked me about what she could have done, what should she have done? She felt really bad for not helping, and I told her

"Look, I don't regret it. I feel fine now. I have an experience that I can only go up from, and it took Allie Brosh to finally explain it.  I have a chance to do something good." And I strongly believe that. Telling someone you think you're depressed is hard because of the whole dead fish thing.  How do you trust someone who has no way of understanding your situation with this? I never told anyone, and looking back i wish I had. I got so close, so many times to doing stupid things, and I wish I had told someone.  Even if they can't understand, they could stop me from doing something stupid.  

Anyway, i'm not a doctor, i'm a 16 year old who had undiagnosed depression.  I just really wanted to share how odd and experience it was. More posts on this to come soon :D

Ok, is ending a post on depression with a smiley face strange? SCREW IT! I'm doing it! watch out world!